Why a Threesome Is Important To Your Marriage by Michael Schindler

She was beautiful. And married. As a matter of fact, she and her husband were expecting their first baby. But that didn't seem to matter. After a long 15 month deployment, his short, three months at home were unexpectedly difficult - more difficult than his being gone. She wanted more, as did he.

But what she wanted was much different than what he wanted; so he left for some "new relationship." No ties. No commitment. No responsibility.

What did she want that seemed to drive him away? A threesome - but not in the way most would think. She wanted marriage coaching. She wanted someone to help them navigate the difficulties; someone to help them reconnect; someone to help them re-capture what they had before he left. What started out as a hopeful and rewarding relationship - even a new beginning with the baby on the way - was turning into a shattered, frightening...mess.

This story was told to me as I was waiting to go on-air at a local radio station. I was sitting with a colonel in the final minutes before going "live" listening to her share how this promising young couple didn't know where to turn. I was having difficulty understanding how a couple wouldn't know where to turn, especially with all the resources made available. The colonel's answer was insightful, "maybe it wasn't that they didn't know where to turn, maybe it was simply that they didn't have anyone they could trust."

It's all about trust. And even when you think you can trust someone - anyone - especially your life partner, often that violation of trust seems to be made public and then you begin to doubt the other relationships you have. All one has to do is look to the recent shake ups - Spitzer, Clinton, Haggert, the church; all supposedly stalwart, core character individuals or organizations who failed in the trust department. Is it no wonder we shy away from taking our challenges to a trusted individual or organization and maybe even doubt our spouse?

It is for this reason that we have to seek out a third party - a marriage coach; someone who can provide a "tune up" for our relationship. Last year alone, over 25,000 military marriages failed. The most common reason outside of finances was that they couldn't "relate and were suspicious of their spouse."

Mike and Tonia, one of the couples I interviewed for "Operation Military Family" had to redevelop their relationship and one of the key areas was trust. Because of Mike's experience in Iraq, he learned to trust his "brothers in combat" and everyone else was looked at with a suspicious eye. When he came home, he was detached and had "no real feelings - even for his daughter." Tonia knew that if they didn't seek out help, their eight years of marriage would likely come to a screeching halt. How they overcame many of their challenges and the resources they used became a highlight in the book.

A starting point is the http://www.vetcenter.va.gov Vet Center. In most cases there is a Vet Center in your local area and they'll provide both family and individual counseling. If not, you can always call your local http://www.va.gov/ Department of Veterans Affairs and they'll have a list of vetted counselors who are eager to assist. Bottom line? Find a marriage coach. Every successful athlete has a coach and typically every growing and successful marriage has someone who is providing some degree of mentorship.

Another great resource is by Dr. Goldsmith called, " http://www.emotionalfitnessforcouples.com Emotional Fitness for Couples." This book will help bring laughter and simple tips back into your relationship.

Here are some suggestions on what other military couples are doing to have successful marriages:

1. Think of the other person before you think of yourself. Look for ways to honor your spouse.

2. Accept responsibility for dropping the ball when you do (this is a tough one). We all fail and need to admit our mistakes, ask for forgiveness and then ask what we can do to make it right.

3. Look for ways to support your spouse. Each of you will be different and those differences will function like a division of labor. Where one is weak, the other can provide strength. If you try to make your spouse similar to you, you are making one of you unnecessary.

The success of your relationship is going to be revealed in your daily habits. Mike and Tonia recognized that their daily habits weren't serving the longevity of their marriage so they took action. As a result, they were not included in the 25,000 failed marriages - they will benefit as will their children.

Mike Schindler is the Associate Director to the President at Families Northwest. He is also the founder of Operation Military Family - a company committed to raising the awareness of what resources, programs and tools are made available to our service members and families. OMF drives funds from book sales and speaking engagements back into military marriage related programs and the Veterans Family Fund. More information can be found at http://www.operationmilitaryfamily.org/

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